Friday, October 16, 2015

Emotional journeys can take too long

Losing my father at a young age was devastating. I was 7 when our house burnt down with him inside. So then it was just me, my mom and my newborn brother.  Within two years, my mother met another man and married him. For me, there was not enough adjustment time. the next year they had their first son and the year after that a daughter. My mom and stepfather had four kids over 11 years.

My brother and I were second class to those kids. I would point out how something was unfair my mom would agree for the moment and then they would go back to the way it was. I wasn't able to express my frustrations, so I internalized my feelings and lashed out occasionally. I struggled at school with being bullied and I put on some weight. I tried to vent to my grandma and my aunt, but I go in trouble for involving them in our business.  I was stuck in a world I could not control, with no voice and no place to fit in.

My brother and I spent our childhood as workers on our small farm, as soon as we were out of the house the farm was too much for the parents to handle. They moved to the city and not one of the younger four kids has had chores or house responsibilities. I was like a friggin Cinderella. I had to keep house, watch kids, do the chores, make dinner and find time to do my homework. if I didn't complete all of those tasks I was grounded. This went on from ages 12-18.

When I moved away, it took a few years, but I found some independence. that independence cost me my family or so I thought. I lost my "baby" fat during the time I was basically cut off from my parents. I had more confidence and I didn't worry about what they thought. Now that I have invited them deeper into my life I worry about what they think and having them pass judgment. I see the double standard with their kids and try harder to win their approval.

The last few years between going back to school and my husband's deployments I have needed help with my children. I have endured bad attitudes, sloppy childcare and harsh judgments. I could not afford to speak my mind or find someone else to help me. so once again, I internalize my frustrations and add more pounds to my backside.

Recently, it has been made clear or maybe I have finally accepted what has always been. I'm not a part of that family. they are always doing something together. there are ballgames, concerts, game nights, outings, bbq's that no one has thought of inviting me to. I have seen pictures and Facebook posts showing the world who is part of the family and who is not. I have not seen nor spoken to my first born half brother and sister since the 4th of July.

I decided to once again, tell my mother how I feel. It should be no surprise that I'm wrong for feeling that way and those siblings are so busy that they don't have time to call or text me. Their lives are so much more everything in comparison to mine. That sad little girl comes out and wants so desperately to be noticed and loved like she was before the family changed.

I came to a conclusion that if I want to love myself and see weight loss happen, I will have to stop seeking my mother's approval and realize that I will never be an equal to my half siblings. I think my deep emotional void is holding my life back. I guess only time will tell...