To be or not to be? my thoughts on miscarriage...

You know how some people are really great at certain things, but lousy at others? Well, I am really great at getting pregnant, but lousy at staying that way. In the past twelve months I have been pregnant 3 times. How is that possible you ask? Isn't the gestation for humans 40 weeks? It sure is, but mine seem to end after 6-8 weeks. one doctor thought it was just bad luck since I have had two healthy pregnancies prior to this. The new doctor thinks that I am just getting old (36) and that this kind of thing happens as we age. I disagree with them both. I think that 1) the gamete that my DH provided was weak and 2) my progesterone levels have been very low.

My DH returned last year (August) from a deployment in the Middle East. It was a high stress/high heat environment. Male reproduction and heat do not go well together and we figure that lost baby #1 was conceived the weekend he got home. He also smoked a great deal during that time.

Second baby was conceived over Christmas. The hormones seemed to be really strong and I was so excited. then the moment came that I knew something was wrong. Had an early sonogram and again not viable. I went through labor and delivery in my own bedroom alone with my family downstairs. My heart was ripped out.

So the reason I think that progesterone is key is because when we were trying to have our first child I was put on hormones to conceive. Then after he was born I was on progesterone heavy birth control. Shortly after stopping that kind of BC I conceived our 2nd child unexpectedly.

I have convinced my doctor to give me progesterone with any pregnancies going forward...wish me luck!

Where I've been and where I will go...

Shortly after writing my last post I discovered I was expecting. It was bittersweet news. Bitter because of my previous losses and sweet because I wanted the child so badly. The pregnancy went ok. I had my struggles with gestational diabetes and my "advanced maternal age", but in the end we had a healthy baby boy. So here I am 5 months later back to the same weight I was when I started this blog.

I've learned a few things this past year or so since my last post.

• My idea of happiness is skewed. I have relied too much on others' approval and opinions. What is said about me and to me I seem to internalize and turn negative. In the past, I felt the need to please everyone.
• I see food as an indulgence not as fuel for my body. When I am alone I will over eat on foods that are far from healthy because I know that no one is watching. Sneaking gives me a false sense of power in my life.
• I have become what I used despised in married women. I don't take care of myself. I'm out of shape, out of style, and out of date. My children consume all of my time. My husband and I don't date each other or get out of the house.

I read an article last week that brought to light that I truly need to find peace within myself. I need to find me and what is good, beautiful and special about me. If I don't know what that is how can anyone else see it? I'm starting with small things, like reading my scriptures and praying. Giving compliments to my family and friends that I would like to have (modeling good behavior :-).

My thought is that if I feel better about myself I just may take better care of me which will lead to weight loss...