Emotional journeys can take too long

Losing my father at a young age was devastating. I was 7 when our house burnt down with him inside. So then it was just me, my mom and my newborn brother.  Within two years, my mother met another man and married him. For me, there was not enough adjustment time. the next year they had their first son and the year after that a daughter. My mom and stepfather had four kids over 11 years.

My brother and I were second class to those kids. I would point out how something was unfair my mom would agree for the moment and then they would go back to the way it was. I wasn't able to express my frustrations, so I internalized my feelings and lashed out occasionally. I struggled at school with being bullied and I put on some weight. I tried to vent to my grandma and my aunt, but I go in trouble for involving them in our business.  I was stuck in a world I could not control, with no voice and no place to fit in.

My brother and I spent our childhood as workers on our small farm, as soon as we were out of the house the farm was too much for the parents to handle. They moved to the city and not one of the younger four kids has had chores or house responsibilities. I was like a friggin Cinderella. I had to keep house, watch kids, do the chores, make dinner and find time to do my homework. if I didn't complete all of those tasks I was grounded. This went on from ages 12-18.

When I moved away, it took a few years, but I found some independence. that independence cost me my family or so I thought. I lost my "baby" fat during the time I was basically cut off from my parents. I had more confidence and I didn't worry about what they thought. Now that I have invited them deeper into my life I worry about what they think and having them pass judgment. I see the double standard with their kids and try harder to win their approval.

The last few years between going back to school and my husband's deployments I have needed help with my children. I have endured bad attitudes, sloppy childcare and harsh judgments. I could not afford to speak my mind or find someone else to help me. so once again, I internalize my frustrations and add more pounds to my backside.

Recently, it has been made clear or maybe I have finally accepted what has always been. I'm not a part of that family. they are always doing something together. there are ballgames, concerts, game nights, outings, bbq's that no one has thought of inviting me to. I have seen pictures and Facebook posts showing the world who is part of the family and who is not. I have not seen nor spoken to my first born half brother and sister since the 4th of July.

I decided to once again, tell my mother how I feel. It should be no surprise that I'm wrong for feeling that way and those siblings are so busy that they don't have time to call or text me. Their lives are so much more everything in comparison to mine. That sad little girl comes out and wants so desperately to be noticed and loved like she was before the family changed.

I came to a conclusion that if I want to love myself and see weight loss happen, I will have to stop seeking my mother's approval and realize that I will never be an equal to my half siblings. I think my deep emotional void is holding my life back. I guess only time will tell...

To be or not to be? my thoughts on miscarriage...

You know how some people are really great at certain things, but lousy at others? Well, I am really great at getting pregnant, but lousy at staying that way. In the past twelve months I have been pregnant 3 times. How is that possible you ask? Isn't the gestation for humans 40 weeks? It sure is, but mine seem to end after 6-8 weeks. one doctor thought it was just bad luck since I have had two healthy pregnancies prior to this. The new doctor thinks that I am just getting old (36) and that this kind of thing happens as we age. I disagree with them both. I think that 1) the gamete that my DH provided was weak and 2) my progesterone levels have been very low.

My DH returned last year (August) from a deployment in the Middle East. It was a high stress/high heat environment. Male reproduction and heat do not go well together and we figure that lost baby #1 was conceived the weekend he got home. He also smoked a great deal during that time.

Second baby was conceived over Christmas. The hormones seemed to be really strong and I was so excited. then the moment came that I knew something was wrong. Had an early sonogram and again not viable. I went through labor and delivery in my own bedroom alone with my family downstairs. My heart was ripped out.

So the reason I think that progesterone is key is because when we were trying to have our first child I was put on hormones to conceive. Then after he was born I was on progesterone heavy birth control. Shortly after stopping that kind of BC I conceived our 2nd child unexpectedly.

I have convinced my doctor to give me progesterone with any pregnancies going forward...wish me luck!

Where I've been and where I will go...

Shortly after writing my last post I discovered I was expecting. It was bittersweet news. Bitter because of my previous losses and sweet because I wanted the child so badly. The pregnancy went ok. I had my struggles with gestational diabetes and my "advanced maternal age", but in the end we had a healthy baby boy. So here I am 5 months later back to the same weight I was when I started this blog.

I've learned a few things this past year or so since my last post.

• My idea of happiness is skewed. I have relied too much on others' approval and opinions. What is said about me and to me I seem to internalize and turn negative. In the past, I felt the need to please everyone.
• I see food as an indulgence not as fuel for my body. When I am alone I will over eat on foods that are far from healthy because I know that no one is watching. Sneaking gives me a false sense of power in my life.
• I have become what I used despised in married women. I don't take care of myself. I'm out of shape, out of style, and out of date. My children consume all of my time. My husband and I don't date each other or get out of the house.

I read an article last week that brought to light that I truly need to find peace within myself. I need to find me and what is good, beautiful and special about me. If I don't know what that is how can anyone else see it? I'm starting with small things, like reading my scriptures and praying. Giving compliments to my family and friends that I would like to have (modeling good behavior :-).

My thought is that if I feel better about myself I just may take better care of me which will lead to weight loss...

Like a Good Bra...

Your favorite bra is your best friend. She lifts you when you are down. She supports without constricting, pinching or leaving marks. She is always present to show off your best qualities and helps you to feel comfortable and sexy at the same time.

The key to a successful weight-loss plan is a good support system. A big part of my struggles in losing weight has been finding motivation and lack of support. My DH is in the middle of a lot of work and personal stress and at this moment not able to be the support system I need. My close family and friends are not able to really be there as I need them for this endeavor, so I have my sister-in-law and myself.

My wonderful SNL gave me some great advice that helped me to located some of the reasons for my self-loathing and sabotage. This revelation  helped me to realize that I am my best source of support. If I love who I am and appreciate my body, then I can make better choices. I will want to eat right and exercise regularly.

How I feel about myself is better than the support of my favorite bra. When I am confident it shows and I look good. Your best support needs to come from yourself, but a great fitting bra always helps!)

Hansel and Gretel?

We all know the story of Hansel and Gretel. Two kids get lost in the woods and are led to a possible doom by a house made of sweets. The old witch appearing to be helpful give them all the goodies they can eat with the intent to eat the kids later. My personal moral to the story is that no matter how lost and alone I feel, sweets and goodies will lead me to my doom.

I was doing well until last weekend. There was a birthday party at the end of church and I had one of the treats and it was too sweet! Normally, I would have a couple because I just loooove chocolate. Then on Monday my DH thought he'd be sweet and got me a "happy hour" drink from Sonic. That was my downfall. The rest of the week was full of desserts, sodas and bread.

Through this life change, I have indulged my family in the things that they enjoy and I have had to try to abstain from the temptation. Now, I have given in and the nasty sweetness has me forgetting what I set out to do. Each day I have said no, I will not give in today. Moments later I have a plate of pancakes in heavy syrup!

I feel gross, bloated and carry a load of guilt. It's the cage that Hansel was put in. I can see what the sugar is doing to me and I don't like it. I hope that this blog can be my Gretel and help me escape the wicked sugar.

It's a new week, so I am going to make a new start!

Does Size Matter?

I have worked in retail management for over 15 years and I spent part of that time as a bridal consultant.  When you work with brides, you must convince them that the size that they usually wear is not their gown size.  My job was to provide them a dress that fit their body regardless of the number printed on the label.  In the end, they looked beautiful and no one knew what size they were wearing on their big day, except me.

This week my husband gave me an evening away from my kids, the kitchen and from household stress.  I got to go shopping without two preschoolers in tow!  So I found a few things and then spotted the clearance rack.  I found this cute two-piece swimsuit, in my size, for only $6.  Okay, ladies you know the frustration of swimsuit shopping!  I was actually somewhat excited because the suit was cute, all black and cut in a way that would flatter my body.

In the dressing room, I found myself in an awkward situation.  I got the top over my head, but the built in bra was snug.  I wiggled and squirmed until it was on.  Hmmm, well, let’s just say it was tight.  The breasts spilled out of the top and bottom of the bra, not good.  Then I went to take it off.  I couldn’t!!  I yanked it down to my waist and it scraped my skin.  There was no way it was going to stretch over my bum.  It had to go back the way it came.  I jumped and contorted and it refused to come off over my shoulders.  I looked at myself in the mirror there was the black tourniquet stuck to my armpits with my breasts sitting underneath.  What on earth was I to do?  Get help?  Ask the person down the way to get this swimsuit off of my fat body?  Holler for help from the teenager at the register and scar her for life?  I gave it one more try.  Pulled one arm through and at last the blasted thing popped off!

Even though the tag said it was my size and no matter how much I wanted it to fit, clearly, the suit wasn’t going to fit me.  Right now I don’t happen to like the number on the tag of my clothes, but they fit me.  I don’t pretend that I am still a size 10 when I am clearly not.  We all know those people who can’t admit that they have outgrown their pants and suffer from done-laps disease (their belly has done lapped their belt).  No matter how pretty your face is, a muffin top, back breasts or camel toe ruins your beauty.

In the end, the body that I see in the mirror or in pictures does not fit the me that I feel inside.  When I imagine how an outfit will look, I don’t see the outfit on my size 20 body.  I see the clothes on the size 10 version of me.  I want to shed these layers and get to the person that has hidden behind the comfort cushion for too long.  So when it comes down to it size matters to each of us in our view of ourselves.

Heidi and the Battle of a Sugar Free Week!

Sugar is far easier to look at than smell!!!  Holy Cow I had no idea what a great nose I had! I found a bag of chocolate chips in the pantry as I was looking for more ingredients to add to dinner.  Immediately I handed it to my husband and told him to hide it and I left the kitchen.  He was searching for a place to put the chocolaty intruder when I smelled my healthy dinner on the brink of burning so back in to the kitchen I went.  He had yet to hide the chocolate and said he needed another minute mildly exasperated I said I was fine I just needed to finish cooking dinner. 

My husband looks at me, smiles and from across the room the traitor opened Pandora’s Box in the resurrected form of a bag of chocolate… You know how they say a smell can hit you like a brick wall, well it did!  My nose was practically making love to the bag of chocolate.  I had to grab the counter to steady myself from the impact.   I regret to say I literally moaned.  I was in trouble, the cave woman in me screamed…“Chocolate Must Have Now”. I braced again for another impact, was there wind in the kitchen cruelly wafting the smell to me? The rational side of me was in a fierce battle with the cave woman side and in a tragic turn of events they both turned against me! 

The rational side spoke sweetly, almost a whisper at first, “one chocolate chip is ok…one chocolate chip one calorie right?”  Wrong, I replied with as much fierceness as I could muster.  Faintly from somewhere deep within my soul I heard a soft murmuring something about loosing battles wining wars.  My strength increased with the realization that each battle I won was one victory closer to my life long war of being overweight.  Though I may loose battles in the future, that night I had firmed up my standing and greatly increased my will to win.  With a smile of victory I gently asked my husband again to go hide the dang chocolate.

Sugar is a great deceiver!  When I eat foods with sugar, I feel temporally extra happy.  The sweetness brings me joy and comfort.  But that sweet seduction is a lie and a lure to captivity.  Though there is a temporary high the low can be far more long lasting.  The long effects of sugar I realize are not worth the temporary high.  Consuming sugar increase body fat which increases certain hormones in that fat that are linked to depression causing one to want more sugar.  It’s a sick addictive cycle. Curse you sugar!  A cloud of evil powder sugar is lifting and logic is taking its place.  For long term happiness with myself I need a healthy body and that’s what I want.  Goodbye temporary highs and comforts I want a lifetime of highs and happiness!  And no people that does not mean I am going to hook myself up to an IV of chocolate as tempting as it may be… I will just stick to my current diet plan of healthy eating and one serving of a ‘sweet’ once a week.  To see more of Shantal's and my diet plan click on 'Our Weight loss Plan' in the upper right corner of the screen.